Q. Have you ever offended someone with your morbid sense of
humor?
A. More than once. I almost got fired because of it too.
Q. You didn’t have many friends as a child, did you?
A. I find it funny that someone would assume this because of my
stories of my childhood. What makes it even funnier is that it’s true. I
didn’t have any friends as a kid. Vicky likes to remind me (a lot) of the
fact that I used to hang out with the janitors at my elementary school.
They used to tell me ghost stories about the school.
Q. I heard you like Subway. Is that true? You should replace Jared.
A. First, I fuckin’ love Subway. Now, I personally believe that I
would make an awesome spokesperson for almost anything, but the
reason Jared works for Subway is because of his whole “I used to be
fat, and now I’m not because I eat a lot of Subway” story. Yeah, I
guess I could come up with something similar, but everyone would
know it was a lie since I’m a fat ass.
Q. What’s the story behind your dog Frankie?
A. Frankie used to be a famous pop singer in Russia, but after the
news spread that he’s bisexual, people stopped buying his CDs. I took
pity on him and let him live with me.
Q. Why does Danika have man hands?
A. It is the last remaining piece of Dani.
Q. Is it true that you play Dungeons & Dragons?
A. Hell yes.
Q. Are you really Agoraphobic?
A. Yes, I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia when I was 14.
Q. So is that really what your days are like?
A. ...No.
Q. We know what you look like from your pictures, but what are
some physical features of you that aren’t captured in the pictures?
A. Okay... I’m going to ignore the fact that that question sounded
slightly perverted... Well, my left pupil is bigger than my right, I have
an extra muscle in my back (and to ward off any other questions
concerning this odd physical abnormality—no, I cannot flex it), there’s
a scar on my left knee from when I cut it on a rock in a lake when I
was 12, I have a small scar on the left side of my nose from where it
used to be pierced, and my socks never match.
Q. Are you really friends with Fabio?
A. Yes, we are the best of friends. We have slumber parties, and he
lets me brush his hair. One time, as a joke, I slipped him some
Rohypnol, and while he was knocked out I gave him a hair permanent.
He was pretty pissed off when he woke up, and he shot me. I was in
ICU for three days. Good times, good times.
Q. Seriously, though.
A. No, I’ve never even met Fabio. *Looks down at feet shamefully.*
Q. What is something weird that you have done that isn’t on the
website?
A. At my Junior Prom, I stole a fork from the hotel where we were. I
just thought the fork was so ridiculous because it was so big, and I
had never eaten with a fork that big before, so I stole it.
I still have it. Sometimes, I brush my hair with it and pretend I’m Ariel
from The Little Mermaid...
Just kidding about that mermaid part.
Seriously.
Q. Why are you so mean to Danika?
A. Because it's funny. Seriously though, I'm not that mean to her. We
actually get along really well, being only a year apart in age. I just make
fun of her and scare her because 1) she's an easy target, and 2) she
secretly enjoys it (and I'm not even kidding). The question about her
"man hands" above, was submitted by her.
Plus, I'm not even going to go into how much she abuses me. On
average, she hits or slaps me at least three times a day.
Q. What's your Social Security Number?
A. ...
humor?
A. More than once. I almost got fired because of it too.
Q. You didn’t have many friends as a child, did you?
A. I find it funny that someone would assume this because of my
stories of my childhood. What makes it even funnier is that it’s true. I
didn’t have any friends as a kid. Vicky likes to remind me (a lot) of the
fact that I used to hang out with the janitors at my elementary school.
They used to tell me ghost stories about the school.
Q. I heard you like Subway. Is that true? You should replace Jared.
A. First, I fuckin’ love Subway. Now, I personally believe that I
would make an awesome spokesperson for almost anything, but the
reason Jared works for Subway is because of his whole “I used to be
fat, and now I’m not because I eat a lot of Subway” story. Yeah, I
guess I could come up with something similar, but everyone would
know it was a lie since I’m a fat ass.
Q. What’s the story behind your dog Frankie?
A. Frankie used to be a famous pop singer in Russia, but after the
news spread that he’s bisexual, people stopped buying his CDs. I took
pity on him and let him live with me.
Q. Why does Danika have man hands?
A. It is the last remaining piece of Dani.
Q. Is it true that you play Dungeons & Dragons?
A. Hell yes.
Q. Are you really Agoraphobic?
A. Yes, I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia when I was 14.
Q. So is that really what your days are like?
A. ...No.
Q. We know what you look like from your pictures, but what are
some physical features of you that aren’t captured in the pictures?
A. Okay... I’m going to ignore the fact that that question sounded
slightly perverted... Well, my left pupil is bigger than my right, I have
an extra muscle in my back (and to ward off any other questions
concerning this odd physical abnormality—no, I cannot flex it), there’s
a scar on my left knee from when I cut it on a rock in a lake when I
was 12, I have a small scar on the left side of my nose from where it
used to be pierced, and my socks never match.
Q. Are you really friends with Fabio?
A. Yes, we are the best of friends. We have slumber parties, and he
lets me brush his hair. One time, as a joke, I slipped him some
Rohypnol, and while he was knocked out I gave him a hair permanent.
He was pretty pissed off when he woke up, and he shot me. I was in
ICU for three days. Good times, good times.
Q. Seriously, though.
A. No, I’ve never even met Fabio. *Looks down at feet shamefully.*
Q. What is something weird that you have done that isn’t on the
website?
A. At my Junior Prom, I stole a fork from the hotel where we were. I
just thought the fork was so ridiculous because it was so big, and I
had never eaten with a fork that big before, so I stole it.
I still have it. Sometimes, I brush my hair with it and pretend I’m Ariel
from The Little Mermaid...
Just kidding about that mermaid part.
Seriously.
Q. Why are you so mean to Danika?
A. Because it's funny. Seriously though, I'm not that mean to her. We
actually get along really well, being only a year apart in age. I just make
fun of her and scare her because 1) she's an easy target, and 2) she
secretly enjoys it (and I'm not even kidding). The question about her
"man hands" above, was submitted by her.
Plus, I'm not even going to go into how much she abuses me. On
average, she hits or slaps me at least three times a day.
Q. What's your Social Security Number?
A. ...
If you want to ask me a question, e-mail
me at tiff@tiffanyh.com
me at tiff@tiffanyh.com
I'll start this off with a short biography written by
Danika. That's right, I let my sister write something for
the website. Actually it wasn't so much that I let her, but
that she currently has the tip of a knife jabbed into my
jugular and refuses to pull it away until I publish the
biography she wrote. So here goes:
The year was 1988, the month September. I was a mere
13 month old toddler at that time, but oh how vividly
I remember becoming a big sister. Maybe I don’t
remember it from my own memory, but I remember
seeing
videos. So…I’ve pretty much known Tiffany since she
was born…hell, before she was born, and that entitles
me to write her biography.
Tiffany has spent her life suffering from the dreadful
disease of “gingervitis” – having red hair and
freckles and being a nerd. It’s been a tough 19 years
full of harsh nicknames and mean jokes, but we love
her all the same.
Now, I suppose I should tell you what it’s like to
live with such a person. It’s horrible. No, I’m
kidding. It’s alright. Sometimes she likes to hit me
but I hide the bruises under long sleeves and
laughter. I also like to force her to do things she
doesn’t want to do… make videos, record songs, carve
figures out of ice… whatever I want, because I’m the
older sister and that’s just how we roll.
Tiffany has a disorder we like to call an “active
imagination.” This involves making up stories or
exaggerating things – so don’t believe a word she
says… EVER.
That is all.
-Danika
------------------------------------------------------------------
Where shall I start? I guess I'll write up a short
autobiography for all of you, and then, once I get lazy,
I'll move on to lists.
I'm currently a student at Chabot College trying to get my
GE so I can transfer to UC Berkeley. I haven't decided
what I'm going to major in yet, simply because there are
so many things I want to do, but I figure I have a little
while until I need to decide anyway.
The main reason I started this website is because I love
to make people laugh. I also love to write, act, make
(crappy quality) videos, sing, draw, etc. etc., and I found
a way to entertain people and make them laugh while
doing the other things I love to do through this website.
I can't even tell you guys how much I love writing and
making videos for this website. It makes my whole week
when I get an e-mail from a reader. Even if it's hate mail
or looks like it was written by a drunk, ten-year-old
chimpanzee, I love it anyway. Just the fact that someone
took the time to check out my website, form an opinion
about it, and then e-mail me is, in my opinion, absolutely
awesome. So please, e-mail me at
tiff@tiffanyh.com.
And now I've gotten lazy...
Favorite authors: Kurt Vonnegut, Chuck Palahniuk,
Virginia Woolf, Ian McEwan, David Sedaris, Edgar Allen
Poe, Gregory Maguire, Tracy Chevalier, Bruce Campbell,
Tom Perrotta, the Bronte Sisters, J.K. Rowling, Jane
Austen, Shakespeare, Stephen King, L. Frank Baum,
Roald Dahl, Toby Young, Sylvia Plath, C.S. Lewis,
Gaston Leroux, Margaret Atwood, Gabriel Garcia
Marquez, Sherman Alexie, and I find new ones all the
time.
Favorite movies: Just like everybody else in the world,
almost anything by Tim Burton, Kevin Smith, Quentin
Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Edgar Wright and Simon
Pegg, the Coen brothers, Joe Wright, Sam Raimi, and
Baz Luhrmann.
Now you want individual movies? Okay, fine.
Evil Dead, Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn, Army of
Darkness, Sabrina (1954), Benny and Joon, The
Graduate, Better Off Dead, Roman Holiday, Little Miss
Sunshine, Grosse Point Blank, LA Confidential, Driving
Lessons, Drop Dead Fred, 300, American Beauty, Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Dead Alive, Amelie, Little
Children, Garden State, Pan's Labyrinth, The Hours, and
Google the people I listed above for more.
Favorite music: Tegan and Sara, Queen, Ingrid
Michaelson, Neutral Milk Hotel, the Beatles, AFI,
Morrissey, Jewel, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Stars, Jenny Owen
Youngs, Empire of the Sun, Frank Sinatra, Kidney
Thieves, Uncle Monsterface, Aretha Franklin, Eisley,
Garbage, Fall Out Boy, Andrews Sisters, She and Him,
the Perishers, the Kinks, Blink 182, An Horse, Spice
Girls, Diana Ross and the Supremes, Death Cab for
Cutie, Anna Nalick, No Doubt, the START, Bright Eyes,
Harry and the Potters, Draco and the Malfoys, and
musicals (ALW's Phantom of the Opera, Dr. Jekyll and
Mr. Hyde, Chicago, Wicked, ALW's Evita, West Side
Story, Rent, Sound of Music, Sweeney Todd, etc.).
Favorite T.V. shows: The Office (US & UK), Extras
(the British comedy, not that crappy American celebrity
gossip show "Extra"), Family Guy, It's Always Sunny in
Philadelphia, Spaced, CSI, NCIS, Dinosaurs, and
Arrested Development. (I really don't watch much T.V. I
usually just wait until the seasons come out on DVD. I'm
horribly lazy at keeping to a television schedule.)
Danika. That's right, I let my sister write something for
the website. Actually it wasn't so much that I let her, but
that she currently has the tip of a knife jabbed into my
jugular and refuses to pull it away until I publish the
biography she wrote. So here goes:
The year was 1988, the month September. I was a mere
13 month old toddler at that time, but oh how vividly
I remember becoming a big sister. Maybe I don’t
remember it from my own memory, but I remember
seeing
videos. So…I’ve pretty much known Tiffany since she
was born…hell, before she was born, and that entitles
me to write her biography.
Tiffany has spent her life suffering from the dreadful
disease of “gingervitis” – having red hair and
freckles and being a nerd. It’s been a tough 19 years
full of harsh nicknames and mean jokes, but we love
her all the same.
Now, I suppose I should tell you what it’s like to
live with such a person. It’s horrible. No, I’m
kidding. It’s alright. Sometimes she likes to hit me
but I hide the bruises under long sleeves and
laughter. I also like to force her to do things she
doesn’t want to do… make videos, record songs, carve
figures out of ice… whatever I want, because I’m the
older sister and that’s just how we roll.
Tiffany has a disorder we like to call an “active
imagination.” This involves making up stories or
exaggerating things – so don’t believe a word she
says… EVER.
That is all.
-Danika
------------------------------------------------------------------
Where shall I start? I guess I'll write up a short
autobiography for all of you, and then, once I get lazy,
I'll move on to lists.
I'm currently a student at Chabot College trying to get my
GE so I can transfer to UC Berkeley. I haven't decided
what I'm going to major in yet, simply because there are
so many things I want to do, but I figure I have a little
while until I need to decide anyway.
The main reason I started this website is because I love
to make people laugh. I also love to write, act, make
(crappy quality) videos, sing, draw, etc. etc., and I found
a way to entertain people and make them laugh while
doing the other things I love to do through this website.
I can't even tell you guys how much I love writing and
making videos for this website. It makes my whole week
when I get an e-mail from a reader. Even if it's hate mail
or looks like it was written by a drunk, ten-year-old
chimpanzee, I love it anyway. Just the fact that someone
took the time to check out my website, form an opinion
about it, and then e-mail me is, in my opinion, absolutely
awesome. So please, e-mail me at
tiff@tiffanyh.com.
And now I've gotten lazy...
Favorite authors: Kurt Vonnegut, Chuck Palahniuk,
Virginia Woolf, Ian McEwan, David Sedaris, Edgar Allen
Poe, Gregory Maguire, Tracy Chevalier, Bruce Campbell,
Tom Perrotta, the Bronte Sisters, J.K. Rowling, Jane
Austen, Shakespeare, Stephen King, L. Frank Baum,
Roald Dahl, Toby Young, Sylvia Plath, C.S. Lewis,
Gaston Leroux, Margaret Atwood, Gabriel Garcia
Marquez, Sherman Alexie, and I find new ones all the
time.
Favorite movies: Just like everybody else in the world,
almost anything by Tim Burton, Kevin Smith, Quentin
Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Edgar Wright and Simon
Pegg, the Coen brothers, Joe Wright, Sam Raimi, and
Baz Luhrmann.
Now you want individual movies? Okay, fine.
Evil Dead, Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn, Army of
Darkness, Sabrina (1954), Benny and Joon, The
Graduate, Better Off Dead, Roman Holiday, Little Miss
Sunshine, Grosse Point Blank, LA Confidential, Driving
Lessons, Drop Dead Fred, 300, American Beauty, Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Dead Alive, Amelie, Little
Children, Garden State, Pan's Labyrinth, The Hours, and
Google the people I listed above for more.
Favorite music: Tegan and Sara, Queen, Ingrid
Michaelson, Neutral Milk Hotel, the Beatles, AFI,
Morrissey, Jewel, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Stars, Jenny Owen
Youngs, Empire of the Sun, Frank Sinatra, Kidney
Thieves, Uncle Monsterface, Aretha Franklin, Eisley,
Garbage, Fall Out Boy, Andrews Sisters, She and Him,
the Perishers, the Kinks, Blink 182, An Horse, Spice
Girls, Diana Ross and the Supremes, Death Cab for
Cutie, Anna Nalick, No Doubt, the START, Bright Eyes,
Harry and the Potters, Draco and the Malfoys, and
musicals (ALW's Phantom of the Opera, Dr. Jekyll and
Mr. Hyde, Chicago, Wicked, ALW's Evita, West Side
Story, Rent, Sound of Music, Sweeney Todd, etc.).
Favorite T.V. shows: The Office (US & UK), Extras
(the British comedy, not that crappy American celebrity
gossip show "Extra"), Family Guy, It's Always Sunny in
Philadelphia, Spaced, CSI, NCIS, Dinosaurs, and
Arrested Development. (I really don't watch much T.V. I
usually just wait until the seasons come out on DVD. I'm
horribly lazy at keeping to a television schedule.)
