E-mail me your questions
at tiff@tiffanyh.com
at tiff@tiffanyh.com
Answered: March 14, 2008
Q. I accidentally swallowed a penny. Am I going to die?
A. Probably.
Q. Is there such thing as love at first sight?
A. Only for incredibly vain and beautiful people. Unfortunately, the rest of us must use our brains to make conversation and get to know the person.
Q. How many babies should one eat before going to bed to avoid a hangover?
A. Ah! This is a very good question! I don’t believe many people are aware of the healing properties of infant flesh. And most people that are aware do
not take the time to ask a qualified individual (such as myself) about correct dosage and sometimes end up either very sick or dead of an overdose!
As I am both a mathematician and a medical doctor, I am quite capable of answering this question. All you need to do is perform a simple mathematical
formula. Add your body mass (in pounds) to the number 28.386. Then multiply that by the number of drinks you have had. The answer you get will be
the amount of baby flesh you should consume in pounds.
Here is an example:
If you weigh 206lbs and have had 5 alcoholic beverages, your formula would look like this:
5 drinks(206lbs + 28.386)
Solving this requires only the most basic knowledge of algebra. Solve it like so:
5 drinks(206lbs + 28.386) =
5(234.386) =
1171.93lbs of baby flesh
This can be safely rounded up to 1172lbs of baby flesh without the risk of overdosing.
Unfortunately, 1172lbs of baby flesh is approximately 160 babies. Since infant flesh is a rather rare and expensive commodity, it might be best to just take
some aspirin and drink a large glass of water before going to bed and hoping for the best.
Q. I’m in jail. Can you help me break out?
A. Sure. I have nothing better to do today... or for the next ten to twenty years...
Q. If I wanted to kidnap you, how exactly would I go about doing that?
A. First, you may not want to tell me.
Second, I suppose you could start by stalking me—learn my routines and schedules, find out where I like to spend my time, find out more about the
people who will most likely notice I am missing, etc. etc. Good luck...
Q. Are plasma TVs really made of lava?
A. Don’t be stupid. Plasma TVs are made out of blood plasma.
Q. Is there hope for a relationship if one person wants to get married but the other person does not?
A. Of course! That’s what the Imperius Curse is for!
Q. My best friend told me that she hates her mom so much that she plans on killing her. What should I do?
A. Obviously, as her best friend, you should support her in her every endeavor.
Ha! Just kidding. Call the police. Your friend’s a psycho.
Q. Have any of the Bluths ever seen a chicken?
A. Only Michael and George Michael. The rest of them have only ever seen a chicken if it is dead, cooked, and being served to them on a freaking platter.
(Apologies to anyone who is not an Arrested Development fan.)
Q. Say I've decided to economize and use CDs in place of shurikens when conducting one of my famed “Ninjattacks!”, what bands would you consider
to be the deadliest possible additions to my arsenal?
A. This is a very good money-saving plan you have come up with. I congratulate you.
Now, I have taken the time to do a bit of research to be able to provide you with the best possible answer to your question. In my research I found that
different CDs cause different ranges of bodily harm on different parts of the body. (I truly hope you appreciate the work I put into this. It took many
weeks to research since I only had one test dummy [Danika], and I had to wait for her to heal after every test before we could try a new one.)
Going for the jugular:
The CD that I found did the most damage to the carotid artery was any by Diana Ross and the Supremes. The second deadliest damage was dealt by the
soundtrack to Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot.
Aiming for the eyes:
Here, I found CDs to be quite useless. Use floppy discs.
Stopping a running target:
To stop a running target, there are a few obvious places to aim for. You can aim for the legs, rendering your victim incapable of running any longer or at
least slowing them down. However, legs can be easy to miss. If you happen to have really good aim though, use Back in Black by ACDC for a thigh or
ankle and the Titanic soundtrack for the calf.
Another good target for stopping someone in the track would be the back—either low and to the sides (near the kidneys) or between the shoulder blades.
For both, I would recommend Sum 41’s All Killer No Filler.
Killing an unborn baby:
If you are aiming for the womb of a pregnant woman, use any CD containing the song Macarena.
Distraction device:
Not trying to kill anyone, just need a good distraction? Try Britney Spears’ newest CD, Blackout. Need to slip by a group of people unnoticed? Try
throwing it at a wall where you want everyone to focus. It’s one of those things that everybody thinks is pretty good in the same way that somebody
might say a sock monkey made by an autistic 30-year-old is good. Nobody can resist looking away from something so sad.
Answered: June 21, 2006
Q. What is inside a second chin?
A. It really depends on the person. For some people, the second chin is filled with rainbows and puppies. Unfortunately for most, it is filled with lies and
deceit.
Q. If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach?
A. Are you drunk?
Q. What is the real reason for people becoming anorexic/bulimic?
A. It is popular belief that people with eating disorders simply hate their bodies and want to rid it of fat. Well, sure for some that may be true, but for
most, there is much more to it. You see, they don’t hate their bodies, they just want to be thinner so everyone else looks fatter compared to them because
they are secretly turned on by fat people.
Q. Why can't liquor freeze?
A. Liquor can’t freeze?
Q. What is a good recipe for people meat?
A. Personally, I like it raw and rolled up with white rice and seaweed, but I’m a fan of sushi. If you don’t like sushi, check out Martha Stewart’s website
for some good recipes.
Q. My mom said that she is going to kill be in my sleep for ruining her life. Is she really going to?
A. Yes.
Q. If it’s true that we are here to help others then what exactly are the others here for?
A. To serve and worship me.
Q. Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
A. Well, Joey isn’t short for Joe. Joey and Joe are actually both short for Joseph. Come on, don’t be a moron.
Q. How do I get my best friend to understand that I'm not throwing it in her face that I have kids?
A. Murder your children. Cut them up in tiny pieces and put them in a box. Wrap it up nice and pretty and give it to your friend. I think she’ll understand.
Q. Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
A. What the fuck are you talking about?
Q. How can I get my girlfriend to give me a blow job?
A. If you can find a way to make yourself come chocolate syrup, I’m sure she won’t mind as much.
Q. What does Fabio shampoo and condition his hair with?
A. Fabio uses the cheapest store brand products he can find for shampoo. He’s kind of a cheap bastard (which would explain the ten dollar bill he gave
me for Christmas last year) and doesn’t care what cleans his hair as long as it gets cleaned. But what many people don’t know is that his conditioner
contains all the magic. In fact, he makes it himself. It contains ground unicorn horn, a sprinkle of rainbow, the blood of Bilbo Baggins, a melted
leprechaun coin, fairy dust, God’s nail clippings, and some of his own fecal matter. That truly is magical.
Q. How can I earn money from home without investing in anything?
A. I hear prostitution is pretty good. Get your clients online. Don’t worry, I’m sure that’s totally safe.
Q. If I scratch my leg while I’m tanning, will it mess up my tan?
A. First of all, I don’t think so. Second, stop being an idiot. Third, who cares? I’d be more worried about the skin cancer.
Q. I accidentally cut a patch of hair from my eyebrow, will it grow back?
A. Yeah, I’m sure it will. But I once knew someone who didn’t like her eyelashes when she was nine so she cut them off. Now she’s eighteen and they
still haven’t grown back.
Q. Is it safe to stick a fork in an electrical socket?
A. Of course. Forks wouldn’t have been invented in the first place if that kind of thing were dangerous.
Q. If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a hill, which side would it roll off of?
A. Roosters don’t lay eggs... they give birth to live babies.
Q. Why does it burn when I pee?
A. Because God doesn’t like you.
Q. How often should I change the cat litter?
A. Don’t use cat litter. Use diapers. If your cat gets pissed off when you try to change it then smack him.
Q. I accidentally swallowed a penny. Am I going to die?
A. Probably.
Q. Is there such thing as love at first sight?
A. Only for incredibly vain and beautiful people. Unfortunately, the rest of us must use our brains to make conversation and get to know the person.
Q. How many babies should one eat before going to bed to avoid a hangover?
A. Ah! This is a very good question! I don’t believe many people are aware of the healing properties of infant flesh. And most people that are aware do
not take the time to ask a qualified individual (such as myself) about correct dosage and sometimes end up either very sick or dead of an overdose!
As I am both a mathematician and a medical doctor, I am quite capable of answering this question. All you need to do is perform a simple mathematical
formula. Add your body mass (in pounds) to the number 28.386. Then multiply that by the number of drinks you have had. The answer you get will be
the amount of baby flesh you should consume in pounds.
Here is an example:
If you weigh 206lbs and have had 5 alcoholic beverages, your formula would look like this:
5 drinks(206lbs + 28.386)
Solving this requires only the most basic knowledge of algebra. Solve it like so:
5 drinks(206lbs + 28.386) =
5(234.386) =
1171.93lbs of baby flesh
This can be safely rounded up to 1172lbs of baby flesh without the risk of overdosing.
Unfortunately, 1172lbs of baby flesh is approximately 160 babies. Since infant flesh is a rather rare and expensive commodity, it might be best to just take
some aspirin and drink a large glass of water before going to bed and hoping for the best.
Q. I’m in jail. Can you help me break out?
A. Sure. I have nothing better to do today... or for the next ten to twenty years...
Q. If I wanted to kidnap you, how exactly would I go about doing that?
A. First, you may not want to tell me.
Second, I suppose you could start by stalking me—learn my routines and schedules, find out where I like to spend my time, find out more about the
people who will most likely notice I am missing, etc. etc. Good luck...
Q. Are plasma TVs really made of lava?
A. Don’t be stupid. Plasma TVs are made out of blood plasma.
Q. Is there hope for a relationship if one person wants to get married but the other person does not?
A. Of course! That’s what the Imperius Curse is for!
Q. My best friend told me that she hates her mom so much that she plans on killing her. What should I do?
A. Obviously, as her best friend, you should support her in her every endeavor.
Ha! Just kidding. Call the police. Your friend’s a psycho.
Q. Have any of the Bluths ever seen a chicken?
A. Only Michael and George Michael. The rest of them have only ever seen a chicken if it is dead, cooked, and being served to them on a freaking platter.
(Apologies to anyone who is not an Arrested Development fan.)
Q. Say I've decided to economize and use CDs in place of shurikens when conducting one of my famed “Ninjattacks!”, what bands would you consider
to be the deadliest possible additions to my arsenal?
A. This is a very good money-saving plan you have come up with. I congratulate you.
Now, I have taken the time to do a bit of research to be able to provide you with the best possible answer to your question. In my research I found that
different CDs cause different ranges of bodily harm on different parts of the body. (I truly hope you appreciate the work I put into this. It took many
weeks to research since I only had one test dummy [Danika], and I had to wait for her to heal after every test before we could try a new one.)
Going for the jugular:
The CD that I found did the most damage to the carotid artery was any by Diana Ross and the Supremes. The second deadliest damage was dealt by the
soundtrack to Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot.
Aiming for the eyes:
Here, I found CDs to be quite useless. Use floppy discs.
Stopping a running target:
To stop a running target, there are a few obvious places to aim for. You can aim for the legs, rendering your victim incapable of running any longer or at
least slowing them down. However, legs can be easy to miss. If you happen to have really good aim though, use Back in Black by ACDC for a thigh or
ankle and the Titanic soundtrack for the calf.
Another good target for stopping someone in the track would be the back—either low and to the sides (near the kidneys) or between the shoulder blades.
For both, I would recommend Sum 41’s All Killer No Filler.
Killing an unborn baby:
If you are aiming for the womb of a pregnant woman, use any CD containing the song Macarena.
Distraction device:
Not trying to kill anyone, just need a good distraction? Try Britney Spears’ newest CD, Blackout. Need to slip by a group of people unnoticed? Try
throwing it at a wall where you want everyone to focus. It’s one of those things that everybody thinks is pretty good in the same way that somebody
might say a sock monkey made by an autistic 30-year-old is good. Nobody can resist looking away from something so sad.
Answered: June 21, 2006
Q. What is inside a second chin?
A. It really depends on the person. For some people, the second chin is filled with rainbows and puppies. Unfortunately for most, it is filled with lies and
deceit.
Q. If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach?
A. Are you drunk?
Q. What is the real reason for people becoming anorexic/bulimic?
A. It is popular belief that people with eating disorders simply hate their bodies and want to rid it of fat. Well, sure for some that may be true, but for
most, there is much more to it. You see, they don’t hate their bodies, they just want to be thinner so everyone else looks fatter compared to them because
they are secretly turned on by fat people.
Q. Why can't liquor freeze?
A. Liquor can’t freeze?
Q. What is a good recipe for people meat?
A. Personally, I like it raw and rolled up with white rice and seaweed, but I’m a fan of sushi. If you don’t like sushi, check out Martha Stewart’s website
for some good recipes.
Q. My mom said that she is going to kill be in my sleep for ruining her life. Is she really going to?
A. Yes.
Q. If it’s true that we are here to help others then what exactly are the others here for?
A. To serve and worship me.
Q. Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
A. Well, Joey isn’t short for Joe. Joey and Joe are actually both short for Joseph. Come on, don’t be a moron.
Q. How do I get my best friend to understand that I'm not throwing it in her face that I have kids?
A. Murder your children. Cut them up in tiny pieces and put them in a box. Wrap it up nice and pretty and give it to your friend. I think she’ll understand.
Q. Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
A. What the fuck are you talking about?
Q. How can I get my girlfriend to give me a blow job?
A. If you can find a way to make yourself come chocolate syrup, I’m sure she won’t mind as much.
Q. What does Fabio shampoo and condition his hair with?
A. Fabio uses the cheapest store brand products he can find for shampoo. He’s kind of a cheap bastard (which would explain the ten dollar bill he gave
me for Christmas last year) and doesn’t care what cleans his hair as long as it gets cleaned. But what many people don’t know is that his conditioner
contains all the magic. In fact, he makes it himself. It contains ground unicorn horn, a sprinkle of rainbow, the blood of Bilbo Baggins, a melted
leprechaun coin, fairy dust, God’s nail clippings, and some of his own fecal matter. That truly is magical.
Q. How can I earn money from home without investing in anything?
A. I hear prostitution is pretty good. Get your clients online. Don’t worry, I’m sure that’s totally safe.
Q. If I scratch my leg while I’m tanning, will it mess up my tan?
A. First of all, I don’t think so. Second, stop being an idiot. Third, who cares? I’d be more worried about the skin cancer.
Q. I accidentally cut a patch of hair from my eyebrow, will it grow back?
A. Yeah, I’m sure it will. But I once knew someone who didn’t like her eyelashes when she was nine so she cut them off. Now she’s eighteen and they
still haven’t grown back.
Q. Is it safe to stick a fork in an electrical socket?
A. Of course. Forks wouldn’t have been invented in the first place if that kind of thing were dangerous.
Q. If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a hill, which side would it roll off of?
A. Roosters don’t lay eggs... they give birth to live babies.
Q. Why does it burn when I pee?
A. Because God doesn’t like you.
Q. How often should I change the cat litter?
A. Don’t use cat litter. Use diapers. If your cat gets pissed off when you try to change it then smack him.